you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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