I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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