If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he thought i was a dude.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
