my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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