I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Quick, to the slutcave!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
