I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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