He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
