I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
wanna go halves on a baby?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
