the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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