Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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