I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
