I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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