Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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