what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
