dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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