in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
