College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
