i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
