got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
