Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
