i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
