ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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