why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
