I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
