As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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