i would punch a child for taco bell
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
