Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
