The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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