My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
smell my finger.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize