There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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