I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
