Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
