She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
