I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
