I just saw a hot homeless man
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
