Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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