fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
