8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
