Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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