update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
