his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize