I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
