My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
