you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
