Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
