Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
