i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
