Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
