i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
