I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize