I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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