Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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