If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
