i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
