I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
