Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
