You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
